


in the dark house

by todreaminscarlet



Series: to ignore the devil's mastery [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Kylo Ren PoV, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 04:31:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6223945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/todreaminscarlet/pseuds/todreaminscarlet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He senses his father’s arrival the moment that old rusted heap of a ship crashes on the planet. </p>
<p>He feels something familiar, something unavoidable, something intangible rustling under his skin and through his veins and the name comes from his lips before he can stop it: Han Solo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in the dark house

**Author's Note:**

> this is thanks to an anon on tumblr with the prompt: "Kylo/Ben pov on the whole Han death scene (bridge scene)" Anon: I hope this is what you wanted.
> 
> all quotes are taken from the TFA screenplay, and *insert disclaimer here*

He senses his father’s arrival the moment that old rusted heap of a ship crashes on the planet.

 

He feels something familiar, something unavoidable, something intangible rustling under his skin and through his veins and the name comes from his lips before he can stop it: _Han Solo_.

 

It is a name that he has shunned and attempted to forget, a dishonored, unworthy name, and he finds himself angry that Han could not manage to sink into the murky sludge of history to be forever ignored.

 

But of course Han never knew what was good for him.

 

The Force is disturbed, has been disturbed for days. It’s responding to the girl and her emotions and demands; it’s feeding her, rolling off of her in waves and Kylo wants her to stay (wants to keep her burgeoning power for himself, for Snoke, for the sake of everything they have built. The light can’t have her.)

 

He extends his senses into the Force, into its endless power and tries to shut out the clamoring voices ringing in his mind. They’re calling louder now: it’s an endless cacophony jarring his senses, but he tries to shut it down, to focus on his feelings of betrayal and anger and his awareness that he cannot fail, not again.

 

He won’t fail. He won’t disappoint Snoke, not after everything Snoke has taught him. He will be good enough. In this final confrontation, he will not fail. He will be Darth Vader’s grandson, and he will not fall for the temporary illusion of the light.

 

(He will not think about the light, not now. He will not think about the pleading desperation of his heart to just go home, wherever that is; he will not contemplate the allure of goodness and faithfulness, of youth and family that creeps its way steadily into his heart even now. Now is not the time, will _never_ be the time. He has made his decision. He has obeyed his orders, and Snoke appreciates his strength. Snoke will make use of him, and the light would only abandon him in the end, like Han Solo and the _General_ once did.)

 

He can feel Han now. He’s coming closer (the _fool_ ; so good at running away, and now he comes closer to his doom. Kylo cannot let him escape, cannot fail at this final test.)

 

( _Go away_ , Kylo thinks for a second. _Just run away, this last time.)_

 

(He can sense Han come closer.)

 

So be it.

 

He sends the troopers in search of the girl, and he orders his ship to be made ready for departure.

 

Kylo makes his way toward the oscillator and moves past the Stormtroopers stationed near the doors. They’re here, he knows it (can _feel_ them here). The certainty that the moment is coming and that he must not fail inflates his confidence and he moves inside with sure steps.

 

“Find them,” he orders, and the Stormtrooper rush to obey his command.

 

He moves down into the center of the Oscillator and looks down into the filter; Han is here, somewhere. He cannot ignore it (but he _could_ , he thinks. He could walk away right now and pretend that Han wasn’t here, that he missed him by a minute or two. He could walk away and let Han go free, ignore the moment of reckoning haunting the furious Force. It would be so easy, so _right_. Just walk away, the Force seems to tell him.)

 

_No_ , Kylo thinks, _yells_ into the fathomless abyss of the swirling Force. He will not be gentle now; he will not obey now. He must search and he must find, and the moment of reckoning must arrive. He crosses to the catwalk and strides across the path; he will find Han, and he will end this struggle once and for all.

 

“Ben!” he hears and his heart stops.

 

_Ben_.

 

And in that moment, with that word, a thousand memories sweep across his brain (tiny moments, joyful calls, scolding reminders, hundreds of thousands of that word, in that voice, _Ben, Ben, Ben_ ).

 

_Ben_.

 

It’s the moment. He has been found, and this is his decision. ( _End this_ , the voices in his head say. _Walk away_ , the Force seems to say.)

 

“Han Solo,” he says, his voice mechanical and his thoughts racing. “I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.”

 

Han walks onto the bridge, and Kylo is glad he wears his mask. Han is _old_ now; his face is wrinkled and his posture a little more crooked. He has aged, and even though Kylo does not miss him and hates this man’s very significance, he cannot help the flash that this seems _wrong_ (it is wrong to face him here; it is wrong to see his father like this, all grey hair and desperate eyes and lined face).

 

“Take off that mask,” Han orders. “You don’t need it.”

 

_Don’t I?_ Kylo thinks. “What do you think you’ll see if I do?”

 

Han takes a step closer. “The face of my _son_.”

 

_Those days are long past,_ Kylo thinks. _How pitiful that he cannot see_ (something flares inside him then, something pure and elemental, and he pushes back against it.)

 

There is no harm in showing him what no longer exists, Kylo decides, and he reaches up and takes off the mask and drops it to the ground. ( _Here is what I am_ , he says into the Force. _Leave me be_.)

 

Han starts in surprise, and Kylo says, “Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish, like his father. So I destroyed him.”

 

“That’s what Snoke wants you to believe,” Han protests, “but it’s not true. My son is alive.”

 

_No_ , Kylo thinks. _He was weak, he was good, and the light would have destroyed him for it. So I destroyed him, and so I am strong and I am here, and you will not destroy me for it. I am more than you; I am my grandfather’s heir and his power will be mine. I will not be weak like you._

 

“No!” he says. Han is wrong, has always been wrong. Snoke is strong and powerful and was right about Han and Leia all those years ago, and he has shown him how to be strong, and it is not through the _light_. “The Supreme Leader is wise.”

 

Han moves closer and Kylo refuses to move. “Snoke is using you for your power,” Han’s face is tight and his voice is sure and somehow Kylo cannot ignore him. “When he gets what he wants, he’ll crush you.” Kylo pauses and something about Han’s words pulls at his mind. Snoke is powerful and wise, yes, and he has taught Kylo so much, but even still, Kylo must admit that there is the chance that Snoke will tire of Kylo and will grow to consider him more a liability than a strength. “You know it’s true.”

 

He does, somehow. Snoke will turn on him, as all leaders have done to their apprentices and as all apprentices have tried on their masters. But what else can he do except finish what he has already begun? There is no room for failure or for returning home. He is too far-gone and has done too much. Through the light, there is only death (but _completion_ , but _freedom_ , something calls to him, but it is not enough). Through the dark, there is life just for a bit longer. There is no going back now.

 

“It’s too late,” Kylo tells Han.

 

“No it’s not,” Han insists. “Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you.”

 

Kylo can see the truth of it in Han’s eyes and can feel his honesty in the Force. He _means_ it, and the surprise of that knowledge shocks Kylo. Han _wants him to come home_ , and Kylo doesn’t know how to respond. It’s not too late for him, not with his dad, not with his mom. They’ll take him back, they’ll protect him; it’s not too late. (The appeal of it shatters his resolution. It’s not too late. He doesn’t have to make this choice. He can go home with him, and for a second, Kylo lets himself imagine it: imagine the Falcon and Chewie and Mom and Dad, and just for a second, it seems like the only choice.) Before he can control himself, tears come to his eyes, and he’d be embarrassed, but this is Dad and Ben _knows_ that Dad just wants him to leave here with him.

 

He wants to go.

 

He wants to be ten again and for everything to be all right and for the voices to have never come. He wants to be free from this conflict, to be dedicated to a side and to simply be free from the constant struggle. He thought he made his choice; the Force and his father say otherwise.

 

“I’m being torn apart,” he says, and the honesty of his admission feels like a desperate grasp for freedom. “I want to be free of this pain.”

 

Han steps forward but keeps from moving all the way. Kylo stares into his eyes, and he feels like he can almost be brave enough, can almost step away, can almost ignore the voices in his head, and he lets himself say the words coming to his tongue. “I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?”

 

Han’s eyes soften and Kylo tells himself to do it, to go home.

 

“Yes. Anything,” Han promises, and Kylo slowly offers his lightsaber to Han. In that moment, the light from the fading star falls away, and Kylo is reminded of the promise he made. The light, (this elusive trick, this manipulative sham) cannot sustain him. It flickers and calls to him, but it will never fulfill him. He is lying to himself. He is weak, and he almost failed at his last task.

 

There is no home for him with this man. He _lies_ to him. There is only death and punishment and hatred with Han; there is no home for him. But Kylo can finish this, can shove the light away from him once and for all, can defy the wishes of the voices haunting him.

 

He can end this.

 

He can succeed.

 

He can win.

 

He will win.

 

He will not fail.

 

Han is grasping at the lightsaber, but Kylo tightens his grip. Han is confused, Kylo can see. _You’ll help me do what I must,_ Kylo thinks, and the irony of it all amuses him.

 

He will end this.

 

He presses the button, and the blade extends through Han’s chest.

 

“Thank you,” Kylo says. ( _You helped me. I have proved myself. I am strong enough_.)

 

Han looks up at Kylo, his eyes filled with pain and sorrow, and as Kylo stares into his dying eyes, Han’s hand brushes against Kylo’s cheek. ( _There is love there_ , Kylo thinks, somewhere in the depths of his mind. There is love, still, in those eyes and in that hand and in those trembling fingers. There is grief and failure and terror, but there is love, still, and Kylo cannot help but be filled with anger and fear. _There is still love_.)

 

Han’s body falls off the bridge into the depths of the structure, and Kylo can feel the loss of him reverberate through his soul. He stands there, stunned. He draws in a gasping breath of air and stands in frozen shock. His heart is aching and his ears are ringing, and all power and strength seems far away from his grasp. There is no glory here, no victory. There is only horror in his mind and a lack of oxygen in his lungs and trembling fingers clutching at this instrument of destruction.

 

He suddenly falls back in pain, agonizing, gut-wrenching pain. He’s hurt, shot ( _Chewie_ , he thinks), and he pulls his fingers back from his side to see them covered in crimson blood. He looks up to the balcony above him and sees the girl and FN-2187 stare at him in horrified shock. He pulls himself upright and heads toward them.

 

He has won a battle (it feels like a loss, he tries not think), but the war has not yet been won. He will find the girl and punish the traitor (if he cannot walk away, then neither can they. They do not yet understand what is good for them, cannot recognize the strength and glory that the First Order offers them. They will, he promises himself. They will.)

 

He reaches into the Force for the abundant strength he expects it to offer, and he comes up lacking. It’s distant, frustrated, swirling around him with awakened energy, but it’s always just beyond his grasp. He’s weak, hurt, and desperately trying not to imagine the feeling of his father’s calloused fingers resting on his cheek one last time ( _I should be strong right now_ , he thinks. He should be stronger than he has ever been. He triumphed in the moment of reckoning. Han Solo is no more. He triumphed. He should be strong.)

 

(He cannot contemplate the possibility that he is not.)

 

The light swirls around him still, calling to him, but he hardens his mind. He must find the girl. She must not escape. She must know the glory of the dark and the strength that it offers. She must understand. He will make her.

 

(Han Solo is dead. He cannot save her.)

 

(Dad is dead.)

 

(He doesn’t feel strong.)

 

(He will not be weak. He will win.)

 

(He will win.)

**Author's Note:**

> also i feel the need to say that I think Han Solo and Leia Organa would have been freaking awesome parents, and Ben Organa-Solo was so well loved and adored by everyone and everything and this story is a tragedy and I hate it. 
> 
> that all to say: PLEASE don't take Kylo freaking Ren's twisted opinions about his father as my opinion about what Han & Leia must have been. 
> 
> okay, that is all. have a wonderful day. come talk to me on tumblr @adaperturamlibri


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